Losing Faith

Or whatever I had left Not sure if faith is an accurate description. So I found my Sarah. Thankful for that. She's well and healthy, if as grumpy as ever. She's in Australia of all places, married with two stepchildren and a child just now(!) and an entire menagerie. She has ducks, chickens, and a rottweiler that must be tucked in at night. I'm glad to hear she's doing alright. I miss her. And I'm switching my phone service to Vonage so that I can call her. It won't be entirely reliable, not Vonage's fault, my internet connection's fault, but I can accept that since I get to call Sarah in Australia for one cent a minute. It will keep the phone bill under control at least.
My house is covered in manila envelopes. Most of them going, a few coming, I am on a mail spree like no other and even I can't quite keep up with it. Due to swap=bot and my recent knitting excess, I have many things to mail to many people. There are packages to London, France, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, California and Georgia sitting here now. There will be more.. to Texas, Nevada, South Dakota and more I expect soon enough. The postage alone will bury my poor budget. But I feel alone all of a sudden. In a world of friends where I can't be away from the phone or the e-mail too long, I feel alone. I feel lost. And I feel... grossly misplaced and without a ticket home. I feel like home has stretched it's borders so far that it doesn't even exist anymore. And it's awful. I've been on a binge to contact old friends. On reunion.com, on classmates, digging through piles of people I barely met looking for Zach and Tina, and Jonique and Jessie... trying to remember Chris and Eric's last names! I want them all back right now. I want us all in one place like we could be one happy family even though I know it's not possible. They wouldn't all get along for one, for two, the tickets alone would make Donald Trump blush. But that's what I want. I still don't have friends here... there's Jen of course, but that's about it... some people at work I talk to, who barely know my name, and Isabel, my knitting friend. John keeps calling and I keep trying to get him to leave me alone.
I want something new, someone with whom I can go over all the old ground like I'll find some new answers. I want out of this town, and I want out now. Not next year. I want out of my job. I'm miserable and it shows. It's 3:30 am and all I can think about is that I have to iron and I don't want to iron. I fucking hate ironing and it's fucking pointless. I want to believe that there are still people out there that I'll like. Maybe it's me. Maybe I just need something completely different. Maybe I just need to get laid. All I know is that I can't keep going like this. I'm in a hole and I'm just digging deeper. There's no good outcome here. The sooner I get out the better. But of course, I have obligations... Mom and Jeanna are coming, I want to go to Melissa's, Emmy and Ross are coming, I want to go see Spot... Maybe I can blow some of those off... but there's pending litigation against my former landlord, there's a volunteer group at the end of July... I feel trapped. I want out. I want out now. And I don't know how to get out and still live up to my obligations. I can't just blow them all off. I can't. So what do I do?? Sit here and rot.
I need health insurance. I need money. I need a plan. I don't have any of those. Ok, so I contacted a woman I met online who says she actually makes her living doing surveys online. I gave her my sad, sad underpaid story and begged for help in the most polite terms I know. And I also told her that I was not trying to offend or be nosy, but if I bothered her to just forget I asked. These silly girl conventions, you know.. apologizing when you've done nothing wrong.. And I'm going to call Chris Brown at the Sheraton about something part-time and I'm going to do everything in my power to make more money. But it's not gonna come fast enough and soon enough, I'll be up shit creek without a paddle. Remind me please to dig up the number for my credit card protection companies and call them... if ever there was a time for emergency payments... I want out of here but I'm going to have to make it through the end of the year. After that, I'm running like the devil's on my tail. I wish I could find something with flexible hours like a real work at home job. Sucks. I'm gonna pay some bills now, do some ironing and look for a job. Hope you're having a better day than me. I even bought myself hawaiian shirt and flip-flop salt and pepper shakers.. can't cheer me up...