Sunday, August 19, 2007

I like big words... and I spent so many years in therapy I can use "passive-aggressive pre-emptive strike" in a sentence..

Ok, so I'm on a marathon... Three boys in three nights. And I don't forsee any empty nights for a few more days. Yeah. Ok, so explain this to me.... three boys in three nights and just one stuck in my head. Grrrr...

You know me, it's the worst kind of passive-aggressive pre-emptive strike. I know that I can't make things work with Dennis in the long run because well, because I'm no good at the long run. Therefore I try to stop the heart by distracting the body. And that's going so well that I'm sitting here still naked three hours after Matt left, unraveling an afghan and rolling it into balls to keep from chain-smoking, waiting for Dennis to wake up and tell me when he's free this week. Yeah, I'm a dumb-ass. Yes, he's a valuable male.... yes, the sort I should probably attempt to keep. Yes, he likes me a lot. I know, I know, he's well-trained (mostly), he's sexy, he's funny, I even like talking to him... although I swear I get stupider when he looks at me... a lot stupider. I can talk to his back easier than I can talk to his face. I don't get that. He's everything I should want.... including emotionally unavailable and soon to move across country. Ok, I say he's emotionally unavailable because a)I want him to be, and b) he told me he didn't want a "romantic relationship" with me.... despite the fact that I think we have one. Damn. How did that happen? Both of us keep finding ourselves doing nice stuff for eachother... the kind of nice stuff we don't usually do for people... he cooked for me, I gave him a massage. I haven't volunteered a massage in AGES.... he says he hasn't cooked for anyone at home in 8 years. Yeah, bad sign for a casual relationship. VERY BAD. I swear, if I'm not careful, he's gonna send me running screaming for the hills. Or worse.

I have this feeling that he thinks he's the only one. Makes sense.... why would he know that there are others? I mean, I talk to him all the time, he leaves OBVIOUS marks on me and doesn't find any from anyone else... because they know better than to leave marks and because they're Gentler with me.... although as a side note, he left some nice ones on me Friday night and No one, not Lloyd and not Matt, has commented on them, not even to acknowledge that they exist. Lloyd I expected that from... despite all his volunteering to be the only one, he has a pretty good idea that he's not. Matt however... I don't know what Matt thinks. He ought to have a fair idea that he's not the only one... but then men never seem to assume that. I know, however, that I'm the only one in each of their lives.... because they've told me so. And that's not the sort of thing they need to lie about. At least not with me. They know well enough that I'm not going to ask and they don't have to tell, but they make it a point to tell me that I'm the only one occupying their social calendars. And I make a point to say,"That's nice, dear." instead of "Yeah? Me too.... right..." But Dennis more specifically I think is pretty sure he's the only one. I really think that he'd be deeply offended if he found out that he's not.... more and more so as time goes on. And I'm not looking to queer the deal over an arrangement he agreed to... over my passive-aggressive pre-emptive strike.... and if he finds out any way other than me telling him and telling him early, I won't get a chance to explain it. But I'm not about to bring it up. No way. He's happy, I'm happy... it's doomed, but at least it's happy.

Ok, technically, not an arrangement he agreed to... I told him I really like him, but that he's free to see other people.... we never discussed what I'm doing. And we know he's not seeing other people. Yeah.... I'm pretty sure he's assuming that since he's not, I'm not. Although that's silly... I mean, what kind of girl immediately jumps into your bed and doesn't ever do that with anyone else?? Yeah, faulty assumption right there... I am slutty so I'm quite likely being slutty outside your bedroom. When I'm seeing other people, I just tell him that that night's bad... or that I'm busy. And of course, I refer to everyone as my "friend". Simpler that way. I was with my "friend" last night... might mean Jodi or Dennis. Never know. Never mention what sort of friend or what sort of benefits they have... and although I tried to bring up the subject when I had a houseguest and he asked if it was anyone he should "be worried about" he quickly dodged and said he just needed to know if it was ok to leave marks on me.

Maybe I'm just being crazy... maybe he's dodging this as much as I am. I like to think that. That he's as scared of us as I am and he'd understand that I'm running from it too. Because he acts like we're together, and I act like we're together... especially when we're together... a random man at a bus stop told me the other day that I don't seem single, I hope that was just a fluke.... and yet we both say we're not together... so maybe I'm just over-reacting and we're both dodging the same conclusion. That's ok with me. I don't mind him dodging the same thing I'm dodging... I can't mind that, too hypocritical. But I still think he'll be offended when he finds out there's more than just him. And it is a when, not an if. I'm not stupid. If I'm not really really careful something will happen like the dumb bitch at work will say something wildly inappropriate if she ever meets him. And I plan on bringing him in for dinner. But I'll be there. And she'll have no reason to come out and say hi. I could bring him back to the kitchen ever so briefly... and then grab him and run for the door before she gets a chance to say "Which one are you?"

On the plus side, I've started writing again. It's a "short" story about a minister's wife. She's married to the kindest, gentlest man and is sleeping with the plumber for no good reason. In fact, she's not even happy about it, just less unhappy... but something has to change and she knows it. I know how I'm going to end it, I just don't know how to get there yet. So far, she is nameless, has gone two days without a word to her husband and very few for anyone else, is depressed, distracted, listless and has a secret garden out in the country. Eventually, she's going to find out she's pregnant, and being unable to identify the father or face the music, she's going to leave them both without a word and go off on her own to raise her daughter. She'll become a major hermit, and a loner the rest of her life, but in a quiet, peaceful, watching the waves crash kind of way. Like I said, not sure how to get there yet.... especially since my "short" story, written in pencil every time I get a chance, has now consumed the better part of an admittedly very very small orange note book.... and I'm inclined to let someone read it, but for no apparent reason, the only person I'm willing to let read it is Lloyd. I'll have to have him read it when he comes over on Tuesday. As it is in progress, I cannot let it out of my hands. If I do, I'll think of something and it won't quite fit... or I'll never get it in quite right. I have to let it keep flowing out at it's own pace. I got out of bed last night while Matt was sleeping and wrote 8 more tiny pages.

and I've been balling a lot of yarn. I'm in a swap that calls for a dismantled sweater. So I had a sweater largely dismantled and sitting around the house in great messy piles of yarn... and I've now managed to ball the entire thing. Not easy. Now I'm working on the blue afghan. I've been unraveling this blue afghan for quite a while. I also have to ball the dark green hanks that were sent to me as the other half of this swap.... They're lovely and I'm thinking of knitting an 80's style off one shoulder cabled sweater. Something with a simple cable up the middle and the sleeves and nice big bell sleeves... or maybe those cute ones with the thumb hole... I could make a thumb hole... i think... Of course, that would require me committing to knitting a whole sweater... and god knows I can't commit to save my life. Please note that I have half of two, not one but two, shirts knitted and sitting around, and a scarf for my great-aunt on a holder and a scarf, a baby sweater and a lapghan on the needles.... so it's odds aren't good. At least not by this winter. Melissa, I know you're reading this... weren't you going to send me sock yarn to make you socks? Right now I need busy work for my hands.... I'm losing my fucking mind, I need to do something with these pathetic nine fingers.

Ok, I'm back... after an eating and smoking and knitting hiatus with Jodi, I'm so much saner! Sometimes I just have to listen to someone else talk, anyone else... it gets to wear my brain is stuck like a broken record and it makes me crazy.

Whoo... much better. Definitely. Well, I'm planning to go work on a ship, which means that I'll have lots of time for knitting, right? Right. And I have all the yarn... so much yarn... and I'm getting the needle set... eventually. Mom says she lost two more bids (she's probably bidding like $12 for a $60 set). So now she's just gonna send money. Which is ok, right now I can make do with the needles I have and I need the money more.

I have to be out of this apartment by New Year's... which isn't very far if you think about it. But I'll make it, I always do. I think I'm gonna toss a lot of stuff this time... I mean, I'll be moving in with someone and I'll never be there... I don't need this much stuff!

I have a houseguest coming tomorrow... which reminds me that I need to call her and tell her that she can't come to the house and meet me at 4pm tomorrow... because I won't be at home! I'll be at work! We'll have to figure something out. But I have to call her and tell her that. And I have to do laundry! Right now! So I'll talk to you later.... at least I've temporarily recovered the sanity.

Your lag time today is... let's see, it's presently two hours into Sunday, and I wrote this Monday night... so about 6... or is it 5 days?