The Lizard and The Mammal

We may have evolved into mammals... but somewhere we all have a lizard brain. There is the warm, cuddly, even rational mammal brain on top that does things like talk and pet the cat and pay the bills and go to work.... and then there's the lizard underneath that does things like smoke and drink and fuck and swear and grunt and roll around naked on the velvet comforter making happy noises.

And that's how it is with Dennis... lizard brain. I make a lot of noise at his house, but most of it isn't words. When it is there's this smoky hazy about it that makes it all into nonsense just to disguise that the lizard brain is active and has no use for words. I want what I want... that slippery, dark seedy underbelly of us all that seeks sensory comforts with no rationalization and no conscious thought. From the moment he walks up to that door to let me in, the lizard brain has taken over. I can see him coming and it's a gut level reaction. Hell, it's lower than a gut reaction. In five minutes, you can count them, I will have no clothes on and be flying through the air towards the bed. We try to talk, we really do, but it's difficult. Underlying every attempt at normal human communication is this overwhelming chemistry that evokes an instinctive reaction. Skin wants skin. Probably explains why things get a little wild.... And there's no cure... Four rounds later, we still can't talk, we're just exhausted and have evolved enough to sort of purr because we still can't separate the skin and we just need sleep.

But me and Lloyd, however, that's a mammal thing. That's a "my brain is attracted to your brain" and so the body follows... Lloyd's not really particularly attractive. Nope. But we have a good time. And it's a lot saner. Honestly, if I was the type of girl to hedge my bets, Lloyd would be a better bet than Dennis. Largely because I don't react to Lloyd like he's made of heroin.... and thus can deal with him on a much saner level. But then we all know I don't make decisions based on things like that and if Dennis ever pinned me to a wall and said "Mine and no one else's." Lloyd would be out on his ear in a heartbeat. Sorry, Lloyd. Let's stay friends. Seriously. Because Lloyd and I talk. We do. Usually, we wait until after the good part, but we do have deep and interesting conversations and share quite a bit. We both have colorful histories that we are not afraid to share, and colorful opinions we enjoy sharing. But it is definitely a mammal relationship. When I first brought Lloyd home, he actually asked if he could touch me. Granted, he was afraid I would stab him (how many times do I have to explain? except in cases endangering my safety, I always always give a verbal warning first.) but still... he ASKED. When I first went to Dennis', I climbed onto his bed in a short skirt under the premise of a massage and well, we all know how that story ends up... it's always the same. He knew the same threat existed... do something I don't like and I'll hurt you... but he never asked. He understood the implied invitation and he took it; it didn't require a conversation.

The other thing, however, is... I miss Lloyd. I always miss Dennis... lizard brain is jealous of everything he does that doesn't involve me, naked. But now that Lloyd is out of town... I miss him. The minute he got on that plane and I knew I wouldn't get to spend any time with him for a while, I found about a billion things that I wanted to say and a billion bits of time that he would've fit beautifully into. Not that I wasn't still deep in recovery on Saturday night (his Usual night, one of two) but still I would've liked to see him and spend time with him. He comes back tomorrow and I'll be waiting impatiently for him to knock on the door. Suppose that means I'll have to do something about the giant pile of clean laundry occupying his side of the bed. I didn't think I would miss him. It's bothering me. He's not the one that compels me like a drug addiction... he's my warm fuzzy... well, ok, not warm fuzzy... that's not right... but he's a lot closer... he's my SANE...well, ok, neither of us are sane... I don't know the word but it's different!!

In other news, I'm freaking out about this sky-diving thing. This is me, freaking out. Can you tell by the way I sit here expressionless and typing? Can you? Eip. Double Eip. Also, dirt poor, way behind on my bills, gonna go spend $200 jumping out of a plane. Oh, well, not like I'm good with money anyways.

And, I knit a cupholder this weekend! Yeah, how exciting is that. I know, I know, a cupholder?? Well, I finished the scarf, I finished the lap blanket, I wanted a break from the baby sweater, and I haven't figured out what to do with a lot of the mountain of yarn in the other room... so logically... I found a pattern for a Fair Isle disposable coffee cup holder (the coffee cup is disposable, not the holder) knitted on DPNs on Knitty and I decided to try it. I can work DPNs, I'm just not good at it. And as I've now gotten rather good at colorwork from from some other projects, namely the lap blanket, I figured I'd give it a shot. It came out lovely. Pictures will appear whenever I get new batteries for my camera. I'm very proud. It's red on top with a wave pattern going into the white bottom. The wave pattern makes little sense on a coffee cup, but I like the waves so there. I don't know what to do next and today is a long bus ride day so I have to have something to knit.... I dunno... guess I'll work on another scarf. I still have several pieces of the baby sweater that I have to work on, but given the fact that the gauge in the pattern is obviously insane.... (when I started knitting the back according to their gauge, the sweater could've fit ME and it's supposed to be for a one-year old) I'll have to figure out what I'm doing. Guess there's gonna be another scarf on the bus... Oh, well, they're for charity.

you have no lag time today. Lucky you.